I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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