there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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