so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
