i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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