WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
