She is in my trunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
