Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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