I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
