Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
