sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
