someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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