I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
