Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
