Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's blow job season.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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