Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
