I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
