ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
