Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
