If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
