I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
