is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
