my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
