whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize