the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
