It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
