Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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