ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
