Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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