Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
