Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
