i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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