I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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