i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
