2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
