i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
