peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
