My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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