You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
