i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
