Soap is not a condiment
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
