He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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