somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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