Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
