So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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