I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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