Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
