shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
