I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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