you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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