i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
