Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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