Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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