My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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