i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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