New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
