Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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