Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
