the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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