apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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