im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
