so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
