i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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