if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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