The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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